Day 5 and I’m OK

relief.

This picture came out H U G E, but nobody reads this blog, and it’s really just for me, and these flowers were gorgeous, so whatever.

So, it’s been 5 days since I offiially removed myself from the whirling cesspool that is my parent’s and sister’s lives. 

From nearly the moment that I officially made the decision, my Matthew has had the flu.  The REAL flu, ie: influenza.  He’s been so sick, and, he has been attached to me like velcro.  I love it.  ( I hate that he’s sick, but I love it when I can be his mama).  It truly is like some type of gift. 

When I was sick with my bleeding ulcer, Matthew wouldn’t leave my side.  He insisted that he stay in bed with me, and reused to do anything but be right next to me.  Unusual, and unheard of by him (autistic), until that time. I know my GG is with me.  I know it.

So, for this week, although, I must admit that it’s been exhausting to have a 75lb kid laying on me, yes ON me for nearly a week, it’s been wonderful being his hero mom.  I’ve loved up on this little needy boy more in the past 5 days than my OWN mom has in 42 years.  And that’s the truth.

I’ve not heard a word from them, aside from “Where will we send the kids’ birthday cards?”  (huh?)

So, I know that I did the right thing.

I’m fine.

It occured to me, however, that there are only about 3 or 4 pictures of me from my very early childhood.  My 24 hour picture, and a couple others, but that’s it.  My life, in picture form, began at about 16, when my friends took pictures of me.  Aside from school pictures, there isn’t much of an accounting of my childhood.  weird.

But that’s just stuff.  So, who really gives a fuck?  None of us.

he would be cool, of course.

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged.  I was kind of stuck in a wierd funk.  It seems like, for about a week, maybe 2, the decision was SET, I would separate myself from my parents forever.

And, it kind of sat there, in the air.  While my anxiety grew and grew, and I got crabby, unmotivated, depressed.  I talked to “E” about it, and we decided that it just needs to be done.  I have to tell my parents.  I told her, “I’ll do that.  Next week some time”, and she said, “why not TOMORROW?  why do you want to continue to feel so bad?” 

She’s a smart lady.  And she was right.

 

So, I wrote out the words that I would say.  I will call them, at their condo on the beach in South Carolina.  I’ll say what I have to say, and hang up.

 

These are the words that I spoke: “I haven’t felt that you have loved me for a very long time.  I don’t feel as though you love me now, or will in the future.  I’ve worked very hard, and I’ve thought this over very carefully, and as of today, I will be severing my relationship with both of you”

 

My dad said: “WHAT?!?!?   WELL!  That’s a really classy thing to do!  DO YOU MEAN EVER?  EVER?!? ”  (angrily)

 

I said, “Yes, dad, and now I’m going to hang up the phone”

 

And I sobbed.

 

I called “E” to let her know that I had made my phone call, and that I was ok, and thanked her for helping me.

 

And I walked across the parking lot ( I called from my car, downtown), and found a nasty, grungy, filthy sewer.  And I threw those words into the sewer.  Because they belong there.

 

And I drove to my son’s school, and I picked him up early from school, and we watched cartoons and cuddled and talked about how fantastic he is for the rest of the day.

 

The next morning, at 8:30 am,  my phone rang.  It was my mother.  No way was I going to answer the phone. No fucking way.  Here’s the message she left:

“ITS YOUR MOTHER.  I heard about the call you made to your FATHER yesterday, and I just want to know what to do about the kids’ birthdays.” 

 

haha.  I put the message on speakerphone, and played it for my husband.  I was trying so hard not to just sob, but when he heard her gravely voice, and the hatred and vile vomit spewing from her mouth….he laughed, and laughed and laughed, until we were both just cracking up laughing at the absurdity of it all.

 

I’m looking very much forward to my next therapy session.  I need to sort out these feelings.  Being rejected sucks, even when you WANT it. 

 

I will feel relief.