Random.

” YOUR WORDS ARE NOT AS POWERFUL AS MY STRENGTH”

 

“My life is so much easier now that I no longer care what you think of me”

I just returned from a doctor’s appointment.  I am now on 4 medications.  I just can’t believe that.  God, what has happened to me?  This is a temporary situation.  It’s going  to be much better, but I still have work to do, and that’s ok.  Anything worth having…and all that.

Anyhow.  As I sat in the doctor’s office, crying, shaking, and trembing, discussing my medical and emotional frailties, it occured to me that my parents, the very people who caused all this pain, are laying on the beach in South Carolina, at their condo.  Not giving one shit about “how I feel.”

So, something is very wrong with this picture. 

She sends me Cardinals.

My GG adored birds,  especially cardinals and blue jays.  She had little birdie decorations all over in her house.  Cardinals always remind me of her, and  whenever I’m having a hard time, it seems that I look out my window and a cardinal appears.  Happens every time.  Maybe I’m just looking for signs from her, but, I believe this to be true.  She’s in support of my decisions to become independent from my family’s abuse, as is everyone I speak with about this situation.

 

Last week, my assignment was to think about my mom and all of the ways that she has made me feel in my adult life.  So, I went back to the day that I moved out.  Thought about the fight we had over a goddamned phone, one that my GG bought for me, but she had claimed as her own, taken from me, and put into her bedroom.  She told me I couldn’t take the phone.  I’m 18 years old, still a child, moving out, and she was going to deny me of a PHONE?  Yep.  That’s my mom.  And so, it went from there.  Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, huh?  Not the “moving out” experience that most of my friends had.  Whatever.  She doesn’t have regard for me.

 

I remember that my parents had a yippy, nasty little black poodle-type dog.  I was telling E about that dog in therapy last night.  The dog would sit next to my mom on the corner of the couch where my mom was ever-present with her ice water and pretzels and a romance novel.  The only way to get to my bedroom was to pass the two of them.  My mom would shoot a dirty look my way, and the dog would bare her teeth, if we got too close to my mom.  I laughed this off.  E found it to be horrid, that my mother would allow a fucking animal to bare it’s teeth at her children.

 

Now that I think of it, it is very sad.  I recall that my daughter was bitten by one of my Cocker Spaniels when she was a toddler.  The dog was gone THAT DAY.  huh.

 

I told E last night, that I worry constantly that my children will end up on a therapist’s couch.  She said, yes, that could very well happen, however, my children won’t have horror stories of ME.  She asked me, “Have you ever been cruel to your children?”  This question took the wind right out of me.  I said, “Oh my GOD no.  They are my world.”  And that answered that.  I know that I have broken the cycle of abuse.  I’ve never called my child a name, or made fun of their bodies, or acted sexual to other men in front of them.  I’ve never glared at them as though I wished them dead.  I take them places, I do things with them, I tell them every single day how beautiful they are.  We have a connection, right down to our souls.  When I make a mistake, when I make a bad judgement call, I tell them, and I APOLOGIZE to them.  They know that I am a Human Being, and they respect that.

 

I have no respect for my parents. They have never apologized, explained,  or even come to me to say, “hey,  I really fucked up with you.  What can we do to make this better”

 

Rather, I get a bleeding ulcer, high blood pressure, cardiac arrithmea, anxiety, depression, and shingles.  Twice.
So.  That’s that.

 

It’s a done deal. 

 

I’m out of this.